It was the first time Cindy met Bobby. Her eyes met his eyes, and without any words, she could still understand him. She could see strong pride in him, but somewhere in the corner, he was desperate to be found and loved. The two only met for hagwon and they developed a friendship so strong. Shortly after she started to have feelings for this young man. This friendship however did not last as long as she hoped. A new girl named Caroline came to the hagwon one day and began to get closer to Bobby. Through Caroline's actions, Cindy grew further away from Bobby. What she once thought as possibility for love soon diminished to a dead flower. It was like a needle piercing through her heart when she had to see Caroline and Bobby together. "That should be me next to him," she thought. Each motion Bobby made was so lovable to her, but she knew that she could only watch. The two soon became strangers and when they met at a reunion they avoided each other. Cindy's feelings never died out for him and she slowly built the strength to talk to him again. The two began talking as old friends but it was nothing like before.
Daeun: Cindy, I enjoyed reading your stream of consciousness. It was clear to me that you understood the objective of this assignment. One thing I could point out is that what you wrote,"That should be next to him," could be rephrased into "You should be next to him, I thought," just like what Porter had done for her writing. Other than that, I think you did a really good job with this!
Alice: Nice job, Cindy! Your writing is very emotional, and descriptive. I like the way you pervaded the mood throughout the story. Great job! One thing to point out is, along with Daeun's comment, lengthening the sentences. I really like you writing but some short sentences prevents the reader from concentrating so how about lengthening the sentences? Other then that, great job!
Priscilla; Positive + Constructive Criticism.*P.S. Nice story... haha*
A good way to portray the emotions of a typical teenage love... or tragedy (whatever you may consider it to be). Your stream of conscious is well written, and makes it seem as though Cindy is narrating the story herself.
I also think you should have lengthened your sentences, but not for the same reason as stated by Alice. Your sentences don't express that longing emotion that you describe, and I think the main problem is the structure and length of the sentences. If you focused on that, it would be nice.
SangHeon Cha:
Positive: I like the detail description of the main character's emotion. I like how the situation is described well, but, at the same time, the elements of the stream of consciousness still contain in the story.
Negative: Adding more detail to the main character's emotion would make reader more sympathy.
Nathan Cho:
Hi Cindy, I am impressed by your love story. The story sounds as if you have red and seen too many movies or dramas related to teen love like High School Musical and Gossip Girls. I really like how you described the main character was feeling "needle piercing through her heart". Also, you explained the situation very well with triangular relationship. But I think some of the sentence structures are not flowing well. As a reader, it was kind of hesitating, confusing to understand what you were trying to say. Nonetheless, I really like your love story. It was fun to read your description of the situation and emotion of the main character.
Nothing Like Before
It was the first time Cindy met Bobby. Her eyes met his eyes, and without any words, she could still understand him. She could see strong pride in him, but somewhere in the corner, he was desperate to be found and loved. The two only met for hagwon and they developed a friendship so strong. Shortly after she started to have feelings for this young man. This friendship however did not last as long as she hoped. A new girl named Caroline came to the hagwon one day and began to get closer to Bobby. Through Caroline's actions, Cindy grew further away from Bobby. What she once thought as possibility for love soon diminished to a dead flower. It was like a needle piercing through her heart when she had to see Caroline and Bobby together. "That should be me next to him," she thought. Each motion Bobby made was so lovable to her, but she knew that she could only watch. The two soon became strangers and when they met at a reunion they avoided each other. Cindy's feelings never died out for him and she slowly built the strength to talk to him again. The two began talking as old friends but it was nothing like before.
Daeun: Cindy, I enjoyed reading your stream of consciousness. It was clear to me that you understood the objective of this assignment. One thing I could point out is that what you wrote,"That should be next to him," could be rephrased into "You should be next to him, I thought," just like what Porter had done for her writing. Other than that, I think you did a really good job with this!
Alice: Nice job, Cindy! Your writing is very emotional, and descriptive. I like the way you pervaded the mood throughout the story. Great job! One thing to point out is, along with Daeun's comment, lengthening the sentences. I really like you writing but some short sentences prevents the reader from concentrating so how about lengthening the sentences? Other then that, great job!
Priscilla; Positive + Constructive Criticism. *P.S. Nice story... haha*
A good way to portray the emotions of a typical teenage love... or tragedy (whatever you may consider it to be). Your stream of conscious is well written, and makes it seem as though Cindy is narrating the story herself.
I also think you should have lengthened your sentences, but not for the same reason as stated by Alice. Your sentences don't express that longing emotion that you describe, and I think the main problem is the structure and length of the sentences. If you focused on that, it would be nice.
SangHeon Cha:
Positive: I like the detail description of the main character's emotion. I like how the situation is described well, but, at the same time, the elements of the stream of consciousness still contain in the story.
Negative: Adding more detail to the main character's emotion would make reader more sympathy.
Nathan Cho:
Hi Cindy, I am impressed by your love story. The story sounds as if you have red and seen too many movies or dramas related to teen love like High School Musical and Gossip Girls. I really like how you described the main character was feeling "needle piercing through her heart". Also, you explained the situation very well with triangular relationship. But I think some of the sentence structures are not flowing well. As a reader, it was kind of hesitating, confusing to understand what you were trying to say. Nonetheless, I really like your love story. It was fun to read your description of the situation and emotion of the main character.